aeriexane

FRIENDS,

I moved into a cute apartment downtown with my friend leslie.
It's beautiful, I can see the bay and all of downtown from my 4th story window.

A alot has happened. :(
Brandons brother eli died.
I'm dating dana,
I've been spending a lot of time with ashleigh.
I haven't been on a computer in FOREVER.
so i haven't been neglecting.
we don't have internet yet.

ADD ME ON MYSPACE.
I JUST made a new one, because my old one (www.myspace.com/thatsh0tt) I have had for 5 years.
and I wanted a new start
so add my new one.
I made it like a week ago.
& I can check it from my phone

http://www.myspace.com/restmychemistryx

:)
<3

I found the pants with the grass stains on my knees from when you pushed me too hard and I fell, face first on your lawn laying there threatening that I would scream so loud I'd wake up your mom before you pulled me inside and layed me down. Feet tangled in your twin bed, cuddling me from behind and kissing my neck, I changed my mind that second, I went from hating you to loving you again for the umpteenth time that night. Another bottle later, and that song on repeat, I wanted to hurt you. I pinched you so hard you bled and you smacked me against your wall and apologized. We had sex about 4 times that night, before passing out naked on your floor next to a knocked over cup full of cigarette butts. I woke up and realized I was a different person with you.

This wasn't love, this wasn't lust, this wasn't anything but our chemical imbalances bouncing off eachother, and I still remember the way your neck smelled. The way your kiss tasted. The way your fingers felt when you'd rub them up and down my stomach.

I don't care how selfish it is, the thought of you fucking someone else makes me want to hurt something.
I miss how crazy you were, how crazy you made me, I can't deal with this lovey dovey shit with him when my comfort for 2 years was with someone who changed their mind every 5 seconds and made me unsure about everything I thought I really knew.

Comfort in the unknown, and indesisve, why did you call me again tonight, why did we talk for hours, why are you always so drunk.

"I'm not in a relationship, but im not technically single, and I would love if you could come over right now"

I laughed it off before you changed the subject.
who is she, how did you meet her
I didn't ask.

I want it all and I want everything and nothing at the same time, I don't want you but I do, and I do want him, but I don't and I want him not to care so I can run back to you and ruin the next few years of my life.

No,

I don't know.

I'm a stronger person when you're gone and now you're here and my mind is going in circles and I'm feeling so shitty I'm going to have to go throw up.



I decided I want to take some more pictures tomorrow before I post them all.

It's almost 5am, I think im going to go lay down.

EDIT; I changed the picture since apparently I was giving everyone seizures, haha /EDIT


ANONYMOUSLY reply to this with what you really think about me.
Tell me anything you want. Be as serious or silly as you want.
Think of this as the LiveJournal version of the MySpace Truth Box.


ps; look at THIS entry if you haven't yet, it full of pictures and happy thoughts :)

I'm missing Isaac more and more each day, I don't even know how long it's been since he moved but it seemed interminable.

I've never quite had a friendship with a guy, like I had with him.
I could tell him anything, we'd go shopping together, I'd change in front of him, we'd get drunk and cuddle, we'd go on a long drives to no where and park his car, just leaving the radio on so we could listen to his zune and reminisce about how certain songs made us feel certain things.

We'd go on adventures, like that one, at rosario beach by deception pass.
He would always come if I needed him, and he was the one friend who i felt needed nothing from me to care.

He was special.



We'd randomly make out, and hold hands wherever we went, and crack sexual jokes, but it was never more than amity at the time.

Before he left, he confided in me the fact that his feelings were more than just friends and he wished we would have made something out of it;

I wish I had known because if anything it would have prevented me from starting things with Brandon back in 07 in the first place.

as a goodbye we went camping up at baker, him, Brandon and I,

I was selfish and stupid and drunk, when he passed out Brandon and I engaged in extra sexual activities in the backseat of Isaacs car.
If he had known, I know it would have broke his heart so I hope he never did.

I still have this comment from him, and it's what inspired this entry.
he wrote it on a picture of us I didn't like so much.



I looked at his myspace, and I'm still number one, however childish that sounds it makes me happy.

I wanted to dedicate an entry to something happy for once and someone who was actually worth it, for more pictorials click below.

I didn't want to spam your friendspage with pictures :)


you used to lay on my bed with me, and we'd talk about everything.

( isaac dear, i miss you )

& you used to be my best friend, and I still consider you that.

you are lovely, and I love you, so much more than him.
because you're special babe, and I miss you too much.


ps; that picture of him and Brandon pulls on my heartstrings and makes me want to call him,
that was the night we went camping.

:(

I like to divagate with my writing, sometime's i'll write forever about nothing in particular, changing from subject to subject until it's a jumble mess that would only make sense in my world, my head.

I couldn't think of a non-brandon subject to write about, tonight at least, since I saw him less than an hour ago, so I decided to waste your time with a pointless story.




Delegation of a best friend

She said that it was important to fall in love, because if we hadn't, we'd all become cynical bitches who's only goal was to ruin others happiness. I used to call her liar, a pet name of sorts, until I watched her try to fall in love. Sweet sixteen and she was glossing those lips and thrusting those hips and it made me sick.

Did she fall in love? In a sense, one could say. They held hands and talked every night and when he kissed her, she swore she felt butterflies. I'd always say that it was the nausea trying to fight its way up, but it couldn't get out. She called me disgusting. She said I didn't know anything. And then I said, at least I wasn't wasting my time on a boy who kissed other girls. We stopped being best friends that day, and I remember thinking that honesty was the best policy, but it didn't feel that way.

She became that cynical bitch whose only goal was to ruin others happiness. And I fell in love. Until the day that I found them in bed together and she said, at least I wasn't wasting my time on a boy who fucked whores. I remember that day I told her that I was sorry. And that maybe she was right.

But it didn't matter anymore. Nine months later, she had his baby and named it after me and after that I just couldn't take it anymore. I took the baby and gave it to some nuns and said that a child born in such hellish conditions needed a good taste of reality. And the nuns looked at me funny, and said, darling child, perhaps it is you that should be here. And when I said that it wasn't my baby, it didn't make matters any better. That little girl had my best friend's eyes and my lover's nose.

I'd like to say that my best friend hated me for stealing her baby, and that I hated her for stealing my lover, and then that she hated me for turning her into such a bitch, and that I hated her for being so idealistic; but that never was the case. She said I was her best friend in the whole world, and when I kissed her cheek, I could only help but think, yeah, maybe this was love.

I gave away two more babies to the convent within the next seven years, all named after me, because I was the only one she ever loved. I found her one morning hanging from the shower stall and now I can't help but think that maybe I never knew what love was at all.

g;night